The Queen of American Etiquette by Cheryl Rae Johnson

When writing historical romance, the rules of courtship can be a tricky thing to get right. The standard for a lady in England might not hold for a lady in New England, and that standard might not hold for a lady in Chattanooga, Tennessee, where my historical romance series takes place. An eighteen-year-old will have different marriage rules to follow than a twenty-four-year-old, who by the late 1800s would not at that age be considered an old maid like she once might have been.

by Mrs. M.E.W. Sherwood, 1884

So when I came across a published copy of the 1884 book, Manners and Social Usages, by Mrs. Mary Elizabeth Wilson Sherwood, I wasn't just thrilled to have a vintage copy of this book, I was in awe at the goldmine of American dating etiquette as well as the glimpse it provided into American culture during the late 1800s.

As I tell my American Literature students, we study the past to help us understand the present and the future, how far we've come, and in some instances, how much we've regressed. This book teaches us a little of both.

So who was Mrs. Sherwood and what made her such an authority on this topic that the women of her time took her word as the gold standard of manners and etiquette?

Mary Elizabeth Wilson Sherwood
as a young woman
Mary Elizabeth Wilson Sherwood, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons

Mary Elizabeth Wilson was the oldest of seven children, and although it is unclear when her mother died, by the time her father was elected to congress in 1847 when she was eighteen years old, her mother had passed, leaving Mary Elizabeth to take care of her father's house in Washington D.C. and to act as his hostess for political events. In 1851, while still in D.C., she married Mr. John Sherwood, a lawyer from New York City. It was after her marriage that she made many trips to Europe, where she became acquainted with Queen Victoria and Margherita of Savoy, the Queen of Italy. The time spent in Europe, and perhaps even in the presence of these Queens, is what allowed her to make the continuous comparisons throughout the book between Europe and America but she did conclude in her preface that, "...with us the South, the North, the East, and the West differ as to certain points of etiquette. All, however, agree in saying that there is a good society in America whose mandates are supreme." 

Mrs. Sherwood published a total of seven books and wrote many poems. She was acquainted with such literary greats as Charles Dickens, Oliver Wendell Holmes, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, Daniel Webster, and William Makepeace Thackeray.

She knew both wealth and financial hardship when in 1883, she and her husband were forced to sell their home and many of their belongings. Through it all, she continued her literary pursuits. She raised money for charity, even during her own difficult times. Now that is the height of good manners.

According to Mrs. Sherwood, "There is no more generous, kindly, or better people in the world than the standard American, but he is often an untrained creature." This shift in not knowing how to act or what to do came about after the Civil War, when the older ways died along with the older generation. But after the Civil War, something else happened, the acquisition of "new" money with the railroad, mines, and land acquisition. And that meant a whole new crop of wealthy people needing to know what fork do we use when? What coat is worn for what occasion? And a general question of what is the proper thing to do? Mrs. Sherwood set out to answer everyone's questions and teach America proper etiquette. She began this task through contributions to popular lady's magazines such as Harper's Bazaar and literary magazines such as Scribner's Magazine and Frank Leslie's Weekly before eventually turning her knowledge into a publication of over four hundred pages.

One of my favorite insights is that of a married woman's role in light of her husband. Sherwood states: "As for titles for married women, we have only the one word, 'Mrs.,' not even the pretty French 'Madame.'" She goes on to say: "The truth is, women have no real names. They simply are called by the name of father or husband, and if they marry several times may well begin to doubt their own identity. Happy those who never have to sign but one new name to their letters!" 

The opening page on Sherwood's
chapter on Balls and Dances.

And although she was known to be conservative, I dare say she was hopeful women would have the right to vote, as her phrasing indicates, "when women are allowed to vote," and not if they are allowed to. She passed away on August 12, 1903, having never seen that right come to fruition. 

I have made good use of Sherwood's advice in my writing, thankful for the loosening of etiquette as my characters live in Chattanooga and not in the more refined New England. That does not mean all courtship standards go by the wayside. Book 4 of the Chattanooga Hearts Series, Loving Miss Lucy, released this month, and the book incorporates Manners and Social Usages into its narrative. Click on the book cover to pick up your copy.

About Cheryl Rae Johnson: 

Cheryl Rae Johnson writes historical romance set in the American South. She has made her home in all corners of the US, but is now settled on the eastern edge of Texas, where she teaches writing and literature at her local university as well as ministers alongside her husband of over forty years in her local church. She can often be found drinking coffee and hanging out with her ever-growing brood of grandchildren. She loves to connect with readers. You can join her at: 

Cheryl Rae Johnson Website

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